


Feeling

by AkuChibi



Series: What the Heart Wants [6]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Light Bondage, M/M, Medical Conditions, Romance, Sensory Deprivation, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 07:10:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3240893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkuChibi/pseuds/AkuChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"My boyfriend is trying to seduce me." Kevin and Liam haven't had sex yet. A failed attempt leaves the two at odds, until Liam comes up with a compromise of sorts, that won't cause strain to his weakened heart and will help Kevin get over his congenital analgesia and feel something other than pressure.</p><p>Longest summary yet and still not that great. Rated M for mildly explicit scenes. Nothing detailed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not too sure about this chapter but I thought it helped them somewhat :) I might have 2 more stories with this, or just one, I'm not sure yet. I got some ideas for a few more things but I don't know how long those will be, and I like these things to be at least 7k, so we will see.

“Happy Birthday, Kevin!”

I grin at my sister’s enthusiasm. Kelly has always been so much more into birthdays than I am. She pulls me into a tight hug I can feel and then punches me on the arm. I frown at her.

She winks with those same brown eyes as mine. “You don’t feel it. And be thankful you don’t get two for flinching. So – any plans today?”

We are eating lunch together. I haven’t hung out with my sister in months. I feel guilty about this, but I’ve been wrapped up with Liam and I can’t regret that. My boyfriend is – amazing. I love him more than anything. After coming home to find the ambulance outside the apartment building and fearing the worst, it became hard for me to let him out of my sight for a while. It was still hard to leave him alone. So I hadn’t hung out with Kelly in a while.

She said she understood, though. I still talked to her on the phone. She was happy I was involved with Liam, despite his heart condition. She wasn’t happy to hear about his condition, of course, and was sympathetic, but thankfully never pointed it out to Liam. Liam didn’t like being pitied.

“No real plans, I don’t think,” I tell her with a shrug as we sit at a table in the small restaurant we decided to come to for lunch. “I think Liam is planning something but he’s being secretive about it.”

“Well, of course,” she says with a smirk. “Gotta have a surprise and all. How’s school? Done for year yet?”

“One more week,” I tell her. “Finals.”

I am close to finishing my first semester of college. I started mid-January, and it’s the beginning of May now. May 2nd. My birthday. My twenty-sixth birthday. I feel so old compared to Liam even though he’s only a year and a few months younger than me. He is twenty-four and his birthday isn’t until November.

I dropped out of college in my early twenties to move back to my hometown. Liam convinced me to return to school.

So far things are going okay. I have A’s and B’s. Liam says he’s proud of me. Hearing that makes me feel like I can actually do this. I don’t want to let him down.

“I’m proud of you for going back to school,” my sister tells me.

I smile at her. “So is Liam.”

“He’s good for you.” Her expression softens and her smile is warm as she tucks a lock of her dark blonde hair behind her ear. “I’ve never seen you so happy.”

I smile faintly. “He makes me happy.”

“I’m happy for you. How is he, anyway?”

The waiter arrives, then, handing us our menus and apologizing for taking so long, even though we have only been here a minute or two. We order our drinks and he leaves to get them as I look back at my sister.

“Liam’s doing okay,” I tell her. “He has a doctor’s appointment today but didn’t want me to go.”

She nods, watching me sympathetically. “He doesn’t want you to worry.”

I shrug, shifting in my seat. “I know. But I can’t help it.”

Liam has Hypoplastic Let Heart Syndrome, meaning he only has half a functioning heart. He’ll die young, and he wasn’t supposed to live past twenty. He’s twenty-four now. He could take a bad turn any day. I could wake up one day to find him dead, or come home and find him dead. He said there will be signs before things turn bad, but I still worry.

I can’t help it; I love him, and I don’t want him to die.

It took me years to find him – twenty-four, in fact – and I want to keep him. I want to keep him and not lose him to his early death we both know is going to happen eventually.

It hurts just thinking about it; I don’t know what I will do when it actually happens.

I can’t physically feel pain – congenital analgesia – but this mental, emotional pain is nearly unbearable. The only thing keeping the tide back is the fact Liam is currently okay. He’s there when I have a nightmare, he’s there when life gets too much for me, he’s there… he’s just always there.

If I lose that…

“Kevin?”

I swallow and realize our drinks have arrived, and Kelly is watching me worriedly, her lips pulled down into a frown. “Sorry. I was thinking.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah – everything’s fine. What were you saying?”

“I was asking how you like school.”

I pause and realize we haven’t really talked about it. I didn’t even tell her I was back in school until about a month ago – I didn’t want to let her down if I dropped out again. Liam convinced me to finally tell her, though, and she was absolutely thrilled.

“School’s fine,” I tell her truthfully. “It’s actually kind of… interesting.”

“You’re having fun,” she says with a giggle. “ _You_ , who used to call school the ‘spawn of Satan himself’.”

I scowl. “Yeah, well, things change.”

My classes are going well, and the subject matter is fairly interesting for the most part. It is challenging but not so much that I find myself overwhelmed. Plus I now work at the school in the cafeteria, which let me quit my job at the grocery store. I didn’t like the job at the grocery store; my boss was rude, dealing with a crowd rush was terrible, and I just all around wasn’t happy with the job. This job at the school pays the same amount and works around my schedule, and gives me time off during finals.

It is great. I’m happy.

For the first time in my life, I am truly happy.

I owe it all to Liam.

“Thinking about your hubby again?”

I frown. “Hmm?”

“You get this cute little smile and your eyes glaze over when you think about him.”

“No I don’t.”

“You do – it’s adorable. You two are so sweet together.”

Melting. My face has to be melting. I scowl and look away as the waiter rejoins us to take our food order. After we order he leaves again and Kelly laughs at me.

“Don’t shy away from it, embrace it! You love him. I’ve never seen you in love before. It’s great.”

I shake my head, taking a sip of my cola to keep from answering her.

“When’s your anniversary again?”

I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. “New Year’s.”

We will be together two years on New Year’s.

“Oh, right! Yeah, I forgot about that. Kissing over a bag of popcorn.”

Melting again. Why did I ever tell her about that? She is never going to let me live it down.

“Oh, your face is all red, Mr. Tomato!” Kelly laughs, and I bring my hands up to hide my face. She has this way of making me feel self-conscious.

“Shhh!” I hiss.

“Don’t worry, Kev, no one’s looking. Anyway. How is your relationship?”

“What do you mean?” I ask, keeping my face hidden because I know she is going to say something embarrassing again. I just know it.

“What have you two done?”

“What?”

_Oh, please don’t tell me you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about…_

“Have you had sex yet?”

“Oh, God.”

“The beast with two backs?”

“Shhh!”

Forget my face melting – my _whole body_ is melting. I am going to become a puddle on the floor. Liam will have to take me home in a cup.

“Well, have you?” she asks, like she’s not asking something entirely _personal_. But that’s just Kelly. And I love her for it, I do, I just don’t like it when it’s turned on me. Like it always seems to be these days.

“ _No_ ,” I tell her in a hushed whisper, because we haven’t.

I can’t feel much of anything, pain or pleasure, so I haven’t tried. Liam has never brought it up because he understands how wary I am about sex because I can’t feel it very well. The most he has done is suck me off, which… to be honest, was great. I might not have been able to feel everything he did, but the noises and faces he made… They were orgasmic in their own right, and then to actually feel the faintest _something_ …

He was the only one who had ever been able to make me feel this way.

And I love him all the more for it.

“Why not?” Kelly asks.

“Why…? You _know_ why.”

She sighs heavily and I uncover my face to look at her. She’s looking at me with this strange look on her face that looks a lot like pity. “You can’t hide behind your condition forever, Kevin. You’re only going to hurt you both if you do.”

I scowl. “Look, it’s complicated, okay?”

She nods. “I know it is. I just hope you two figure things out.”

I wish for the same thing, but it’s difficult and complicated.

I haven’t had sex in years because I can’t really feel it. I feel like I can’t give my partner what they need, either, because I can’t really feel it myself. It just doesn’t seem fair to anyone.

But Liam and I have been in a relationship for going on two years now. We have known each other for nearly three.

He is wonderful. He is amazing, and patient, and supportive of my condition which just seems so trivial compared to his. Mine is just annoying; his is actually life-threatening.

But he is supportive, and I want to do something for him, give him something he wants, but I have no idea how to go about doing it.

The food arrives, and we eat in relative silence.

After we eat, as she’s going to start the car and turn the AC on because it’s getting hot out, I head to the counter to pay the bill. I’ve just finished paying and am pocketing my wallet when my cell phone rings, and I pull it out and frown at the ID before answering.

“Liam?” I ask. “How did the doctor’s visit go?”

“Hey, love, everything’s fine,” he says, and I smile, feeling slightly lighter now, somehow. “When are you coming home?”

“We are gonna go shopping, but I’ll be home after that. Why?”

He rarely asks when I will be home.

“We need to talk.”

I close my eyes and take in a slow breath. “W-What about?”

He went to the doctor’s. He said nothing was wrong, but now we need to talk.

_Oh, God, don’t tell me signs have started. Please._

“Nothing major, love. I’ll see you when you get home. Love you.”

“Love you,” I whisper, and he hangs up.

I pull the phone from my ear slowly and take in a slow, steadying breath. I have to trust Liam. I have to have faith that he won’t lie to me when something does start to happen, but it’s so hard not to worry. It’s so hard to ignore the fact it is a real possibility. He wouldn’t want me to worry more than I already am; he might try to hide things from me.

But if that was the case he wouldn’t tell me we needed to talk.

Everything’s okay.

It has to be.

I finally leave the restaurant and go outside to the car. Kelly smiles but it falters when I don’t return it and only climb into the passenger seat.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Liam called.”

“Oh? Was his doctor’s visit okay?”

I hesitate. “He said it was fine, but… but he said we need to talk.”

“What about?”

“I don’t know. He said it could wait until we were done today, but…” I take in a breath and look at her apologetically. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can concentrate until I know what’s going on.”

She smiles. “That’s fine, Kevin. We can go shopping another time. I know you only tolerate it because of me anyway. It’s your birthday; you should be with your boyfriend. I’ll drop you off.”

“Thank you,” I tell her quietly.

I won’t be able to focus until I know what Liam wants to talk about, and I know he’s okay.

xXx

I push open the door to the apartment already calling Liam’s name.

He doesn’t answer. The TV is on so I know he’s home. Swallowing, I close the door and walk through the living room toward the kitchen.

“Liam?”

He’s not in there.

My spine feels tight. It’s not painful, but it’s… odd. I don’t like it.

I head toward the bedroom and bathroom. “Baby?”

The bathroom door opens and there he is, smiling at me, and I can breathe again.

He’s also very, very naked.

“Liam?” I ask, staring at him.

I know this body very well. I’ve touched it all over even if I can’t feel him very well. I know what sounds he makes when I touch his sides, his hips, his groin. I know how much he loves to be touched, how his head falls back and his eyes closed. I know how he looks after he cums, how his eyes are half-lidded and so, so warm.

Currently those green eyes are wide and warm.

“I knew you’d be here, love. You didn’t have to come back so early, though, I’m fine.”

“Are you?” I ask. It’s hard to talk. My throat is dry. I need something to drink, but I can’t move, can’t look away.

He laughs. “I was just getting ready to take a shower. Join me?”

I can’t say anything so I only nod, and he grabs my wrist, pulling me easily into the bathroom.

His hands are entirely too good at unclothing me. I blink and I’m naked, and he’s moving us toward the shower spray, pushing the curtain aside. His hands are on my hips, pressing hard enough I can feel him. He’s always careful to make sure I feel everything that I can.

The water is hot and feels so good. His mouth is at my neck, sucking and kissing and biting until I feel it all, and I sigh happily.

“Happy Birthday, love,” he says against my skin, and I smile.

“I love you.”

“Mm, and I, you.”

The shower takes longer than it needs to, but I don’t argue. We come out clean and warm and happy, and dress in the bedroom. Afterward Liam is in my arms and I’m kissing everything I can see – his lips, his nose, his cheek, his forehead, his eyelids, his neck… everything and everywhere until I get down to his shirt.

He sighs happily, eyes fluttering as I suck at his neck, and holds me tight to him.

I love this man.

My Australian boyfriend.

My dark-haired little puppy.

Everything is perfect until I remember why I hurried home.

I pull away from him and chew on my lower lip, hesitating. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

He smiles warmly. “We’ll talk after dinner tonight.”

“What? But-”

He silences me with a quick kiss, and then he releases me and leaves the room. I stare after him and then follow him into the living room, where he sits on the couch.

“How was lunch?” he asks. “I’m sorry for interrupting.”

“You didn’t interrupt, we were done eating,” I tell him, sitting next to him. “What did you want to talk about? Everything went okay at the doctor’s, right?”

He nodded. “Yes, everything’s fine. I just had to see him so I could get my pills refilled.”

I nod, relaxing a little in the cushions next to him.

“We’ll talk tonight, love. It’s nothing bad, don’t worry.” He smiles, and I nod.

“Alright. What do you want to do until then?”

“It’s your birthday. What do _you_ want to do?”

I honestly have no idea what I want to do, but as long as we’re together it doesn’t really matter. I settle into his side and he gives a pleased sound as he wraps an arm around me. I hand him the remote.

“Find us something to watch, baby.”

He smiles like he always does when I call him that, and kisses the tip of my nose.

He flips through the channels, and I settle more into him.

Everything is wonderful.

xXx

Dinner is great, as always. Liam works as a cook in a nearby restaurant, and he is very good at his job. After dinner, he takes me back to the living room and tells me to digest, and then he will tell me what he wanted to talk about.

I argue that it’s not what he said earlier, but he silences me with a kiss and we both watch TV again.

An hour later he pulls me to my feet and takes me into the bedroom. I grin at him the whole time, thinking I know what he has planned, but still apprehensive about what he wishes to discuss. He said it is nothing bad; I have to hope he is not lying, and he truly is fine.

I don’t like worrying about him all the time, but I can’t help it.

He pushes down on my shoulders until I sit on the bed, and then he sits next to me. He fiddles with the covers beneath us, clenching and unclenching his fingers nervously, and I frown at him.

“Everything okay, baby?”

He smiles like he always does when I call him that, practically melting into my side as he leans his head on my shoulder. “Yes, love, everything’s fine. I was just thinking…”

“About what?” I ask uneasily.

“About how you can’t feel much of anything.”

I close my eyes. “Oh.”

Well, I knew this would become a problem at some point, but to hear him say it…

“Stop that,” he chides, lifting his head from my shoulder. I open my eyes to find him scowling at me. “I don’t mind that you can’t, Kevin. You know I don’t. I look forward to making you feel, remember? It’s a nice challenge. But, I was wondering… I mean… Since you can’t feel much it’s more mental for you, right?”

I nod slowly, wondering where he is going with this. “Yes…”

He takes in a slow breath, obviously nervous. I twist more toward him and grab his hands, holding them between mine as he looks at me and smiles faintly.

“Tell me,” I say quietly, watching him.

“I just… Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” I tell him immediately.

Of course I trust him.

I have never trusted anyone more than I trust him right now.

He smiles brightly then. “I want to do something with you, and if it doesn’t work, I have something else planned for our anniversary.”

I smile, kissing his nose. “What is it, baby?”

“I want to have sex with you.”

And just like that, everything shatters.

I stare at him, unable to look away. His green eyes are filled with such determination I know he is completely and utterly serious. We have never discussed sex; he knows I have a problem with it since I can’t feel much, so he has never brought it up, and neither have I.

But we are going on two years into this relationship, and we haven’t had sex yet. It was bound to come up eventually.

And he deserves sex, he really does.

He deserves someone who can give him what he wants.

And it’s not me.

I retract my hands. He catches them and holds tight to them.

“I know what your twisted little mind is thinking, love. I love you. I want to do this with you. But only if you’re willing. You trust me, right?”

“Of course I do, but… But I can’t feel anything, Liam. I don’t… I don’t know what you’re expecting to happen.”

He smiles softly. “I want whatever you can give, Kevin. And you _can_ feel things. Or, at least, your body can. Let me do this for you.”

I swallow. He sounds so damn serious and it is adorable, that look in his eyes, the way he’s nearly purring when he leans toward me and says in this persuasive voice,

“Let me take care of you.”

And then his mouth is on mine, and he’s pushing me down onto my back. His fingers tug at my clothes, pull them from my body too easily, and then I’m naked, and he’s naked, and there’s pressure _somewhere_ , and-

“Last chance to back out, love.”

I smile and close my eyes. “Not going anywhere, baby.”

He laughs – this light, happy sound, and then I feel pressure along my inner thighs. I open my eyes and look down, and sure enough, I have an erection. I’m hard and pulsing for him and he hasn’t even done anything. My body responds to him so easily, even if I can’t feel it.

I watch, almost transfixed, as his hand wraps around me and then he is waving with his other hand for me to sit up. I push my arms under me to do so, and then his mouth is on mine and I’m grabbing at him, holding him to me, his hand trapped somewhere between us, working me over in a way that gets my pulse racing even if all I truly feel is pressure moving up and down my shaft in a steady rhythm.

“You or me?” he whispers against my mouth, voice so low and husky I close my eyes as a smile threatens to break my face.

“Mm,” I say, and then realize it’s not an answer, and blink a few times to clear my mind. When did he start to have such an effect on me? “Um…”

I realize what he means.

Do I want to be top or bottom…

I have only ever topped.

“W-What do you want?”

He shrugs, pulling back enough to smile at me. I am vaguely aware of the fact his hand is simply holding me now, and now pumping. My pulse slows marginally, no longer so loud in my ears.

It’s the only thing I can truly say about these kind of intimate acts – my pulse always races, and I always get sweaty and exhausted even if I can’t feel everything and-

My eyes widen. “Fuck,” I mutter, swallowing.

He frowns, tilting his head to the side. “Love?”

“Are you allowed to do this?” I ask, pushing away as much as I can, but it’s incredibly hard and not just because he’s holding onto me.

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t this count as _strenuous activity_?” I ask, watching him as he scowls, clearly knowing what I mean, which just makes this worse. “It does, doesn’t it.”

“Kevin-”

“No. This isn’t good for you.”

“Oh, come _on_ , you’re not gonna go all doctor on me now, are you?”

He looks irritated, but I don’t give in. I can’t give in. This is important.

“This makes your heart race and makes you exhausted. Those are two things you said are bad for you,” I tell him seriously, carefully pulling away from him. He releases me and lets me move away, watching me with this downfallen expression I hate to see, but I can’t give in.

“If you want to get technical,” he says, “ _orgasming_ makes me pant and breathe heavily and makes my heart race, and is just as exhausting, and you’ve made me do that before. So it doesn’t really matter.”

I close my eyes because he is right. “I’m so sorry.”

“ _What_? You’re-! Oh come on, Kevin, you can’t be serious! I enjoyed it!”

I shake my head. It doesn’t matter that he enjoyed it, it was bad for him. Who knew what kind of damage I’d unintentionally caused? The way I made his heart race and how tired he got afterward… the way he slept so deeply…

And I had done it multiple times.

I hurt him multiple times.

His fingers clasp my chin tightly, moving my gaze back toward him. “Don’t be like that, please,” he says quietly. “Not you.”

“Liam…”

“Everyone’s always treating me like I’m gonna break, and I don’t… I don’t want you to worry about it like they do. Not you.”

I know what he’s talking about. I know what he wants, and I want to give it to him, but I can’t. I can’t because that might be detrimental to his health and I can’t do anything like that. I can’t hurt him like that, not when his health is already fragile. Not when his heart is already weak and ‘shit’ like he said.

His eyes are shining.

I want to look away but I can’t because his grip is still firm on my chin.

“I’m not made of glass, Kevin.”

“Liam…”

“Please.”

I close my eyes, swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry – I can’t. I _can’t_.”

The pressure lessens and I know he has released me. The bed shifts.

I open my eyes and he’s getting dressed with his back to me, shoulders slumped.

“Liam?” I ask quietly. It is surprisingly hard to speak.

He finishes dressing and then turns so he’s halfway facing me, and his eyes are dark and shiny. He looks so crestfallen. I climb to my feet, reaching for him but he easily sidesteps me, shaking his head.

“Liam,” I repeat, swallowing.

“I’ll just… I’m gonna go for a walk.”

“You don’t have to-”

“I’ll be back soon.”

With that he leaves the bedroom, closing the bedroom door behind him, and I stare after him.

When did everything go so wrong?

What did I do?

I just don’t want to hurt him.

_But I did._

I did hurt him – just not physically.

Mentally, emotionally.

He’s hurt because I won’t have sex with him.

I scrub a hand across my face and sigh heavily. I don’t know what to do now, what to say to him or make it up to him. He planned something special for us and I couldn’t go through it. I can’t go through with it because it might hurt him. It might put a strain on his already fragile heart and I can’t do it. I can’t risk it.

I run a hand through my shaggy dark blonde hair and tear through the door after him.

He’s already gone.

I want to go after him, but I know he wants to be alone right now. I also know he will come back; he won’t stay out for too long because he knows I will come looking for him, and no matter how angry he might be with me, he won’t make me worry like that.

He’s too sweet for me sometimes.

I love him too much to risk this, though.

I can’t do it no matter how much he wants me to.

_I’m sorry, Liam, I can’t…_

I sit down on the couch, and wait for his return.

I’ll wait for as long as I have to.

I hope he knows how sorry I am.

I hope he knows I can’t because I love him.

I love him.

xXx

Liam doesn’t come back for a long time.

By this point I’m pacing the living room, checking my cell phone. I’ve left him a few messages but he hasn’t called back, or replied to my texts.

What if something happened? What if he fell, or collapsed, or…

I close my eyes and take in a few deep breaths, dialing in his number again.

To my surprise he answers.

“I’ll be home soon,” he says as soon as he answer.

“I’m sorry, baby,” I tell him immediately, running a hand through my hair. My disheveled hair because I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve worriedly run my fingers through it. I probably look a mess. “Please come back.”

“I’ll be there soon,” he promises.

“Where are you? I can come get you.”

I have a car, after all. He doesn’t, though I wish he wouldn’t walk everywhere.

“I’ll be there in about ten minutes,” he says.

I sigh and nod even though I know he can’t see me. “Alright. Be careful. I love you.”

“You too,” he says, and then hangs up.

Well… at least he’s willing to talk to me, at any rate.

I scrub a hand over my face and drop my phone down onto the coffee table in front of the couch.

I sink into the couch cushions and think about how to make this up to Liam.

Wonder if I can.

If he’ll let me.

He doesn’t want to be treated like glass. He doesn’t want to be treated differently from other people. I can completely understand that. At one point in time I worried how Liam would react to the fact I have congenital analgesia and can’t feel pain or pleasure. He doesn’t treat me any differently.

This… is different, though.

He’s asking me to do something that might cause him more heart problems.

And I can’t.

I just can’t, no matter how much either of us might want it.

I can’t risk him.

Roughly ten minutes later the door opens and I’m on my feet instantly, moving toward the door as Liam walks through, kicking the door shut behind him. He’s panting and his face is red, and he’s got bags under his arms. He went to a store.

That’s not my concern, though.

“Jesus Christ, Liam, are you okay?” I ask, grabbing his arm, leading him over toward the couch. He sinks down without argument, which worries me further because he usually waves me off with a quick ‘I’m fine’, and now he is acquiescing too quietly. “Liam? What’s wrong?”

“Just tired,” he says. “Long walk.”

“Long…?” I look at the bags again and recognize the logo. “Oh, _fuck you_ , you idiot! You _didn’t_. Tell me you didn’t.” He doesn’t say anything, only looks away, and I growl as I tighten my grip on his arm. “Why? Why would you do something so _stupid_ …”

“I walked two miles,” he says, looking at me again. “I think if I can handle that, I can handle sex.”

“If you can handle…? Dammit, Liam, this is serious! Look at you! Are you okay? Can you breathe? How is your chest?”

He rolls his eyes. “I’m obviously breathing, Kevin. Just out of breath from taking the stairs.”

“The _stairs_?” I repeat, glaring at him. “Why? Why would you do this?”

He shrugs, looking away again. “If you had your way I’d be encased in bubble wrap.”

I swallow because he’s not wrong. “I love you, Liam, I’m only trying to do what’s best for you.”

“Don’t you think _I_ should decide that?”

“Liam…”

He shakes his head, sighing heavily. “I don’t want you to baby me.” He looks at me, directly in the eye. “I don’t need a parent. I need a partner.”

I close my eyes and take in a slow breath. “I know, Liam. I’m sorry, okay? I just… I can’t. I want you to stay healthy – is that so wrong?”

“I don’t want to be healthy if it means I can’t live my life, Kevin. It’s my choice. _Mine_.”

He is right. I know he is.

But I can’t…

“I know what you want me to say, Liam, but I can’t.” I open my eyes and look at him. He’s not looking at me anymore. “I want to be with you in every way, but I can’t like this. I… I love you too much.”

“How does _that_ make sense?”

“Baby… I can’t risk it. It might hurt you. I’d rather have you sexually frustrated than not have you at all.”

The words are out before I can stop them. He looks at me, eyes narrowed in this calculating gaze, before his expression softens and he leans toward me.

“It’s sweet, how you worry,” he says quietly. “But please understand I’m twenty-four. I need to live my life how I want and no let my condition rule it. Can you understand that?”

“I understand, but I can’t. Please understand _that_.”

He sighs, leaning into me. I wrap my arms around him instantly, and his head settles on my shoulder. “I’m sorry for ruining your birthday, love.”

“You didn’t ruin it,” I tell him honestly. “It’s perfect how it is.”

“Even if I walked out like a baby?”

“Even then,” I say, chuckling quietly as I kiss the top of his head.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, baby.”

“I like it when you call me that,” he breathes, settling me against me.

I hold him a little tighter. “I know you do.”

“I got you something.”

“Oh?”

“Mm. Since you wouldn’t let me give you what I wanted… I went and bought something.”

I swallow. “That’s why you went to the store?”

“Mm,” he confirms.

He left here angry with me and still went out of his way to get me a birthday present, even if it meant he had to walk all that way.

I kiss his head again. “Thank you, baby.”

“Will you ever have sex with me?”

“I… I don’t know. I want to, Liam, you know I do. I love you. But I don’t… I can’t…”

He sighs heavily. “Okay,” he mumbles dejectedly, and that’s not what I want to do to him, but I don’t know how to fix this.

“I’m sorry,” I say helplessly.

“It’s okay. I’ll get used to it.”

It’s not okay, but I nod anyway, and we go silent.

We don’t speak of it again.

xXx

“My boyfriend is trying to seduce me.”

Kelly stares at me for a moment and then bursts out laughing. I glare at her from across our lunch table.

“I’m serious,” I say.

“I know you are – that’s why it’s so funny. Oh, God, Kev! Most people would think that was a _good_ thing.” She has another little laughing fit and then finally sobers enough to speak. “Why is he trying to seduce you? And why hasn’t he done it yet?”

“It’s bad for him,” I tell her.

“Kevin, you can’t seriously think he cares that you-”

“No,” I cut her off quickly. “Not that. He’s fine with my condition. I’m talking about _his_.”

She pauses briefly. “His heart condition?”

“Yes. Sex can… be bad for him.”

“A lot of things can be bad for him. Sex would be a hell of a way to go.”

“Kelly!”

“What? I’m just saying,” she says, shrugging.

“Yeah, well, I’d prefer to keep my boyfriend _alive_ , thanks very much.”

“It won’t kill you to have sex with him once, you know. I’m sure he knows the risks. You think you’re the first guy he’s had sex with?”

I shift uneasily. “Well, no, but-”

“Exactly, so trust that he knows what he’s doing.”

“It’s too risky.”

“You’re just scared.”

“ _Scared_?”

“Yes,” she says with a nod, watching me. “You’re afraid you’ll do something wrong because you can’t feel what he does and you’re afraid he’ll get upset with you because of it.”

I scowl. “Dammit, that’s not what this is about, okay? It’s _not_. Sex gets his heartrate up and is exhausting. It’s strenuous activity. It’s bad for him with his condition and his heart is already fragile enough with adding that complication.”

“So sex with your boyfriend is a complication now?”

“What? No, don’t put words in my mouth.”

“But it’s so easy. What are you really afraid of?”

“I just said-”

She shakes her head quickly, causing me to sigh. I really didn’t bring this up for a lecture. To be honest I’m not sure why I mentioned this at all, the words just slipped out.

It’s been a few months since my birthday. His birthday is in a few days. He’s been hinting at sex and trying to get me to ease into it by talking about it and the ‘benefits’ of sex, but I can’t do it. I just can’t.

“He obviously doesn’t think it’s a risk. Do you think he’d really put himself in harm’s way just for sex?”

“Well… no, but-”

“Exactly. So maybe you don’t have sex _all the time_. Don’t become bunnies. But you could still have it once or twice a year. You don’t have to worry about hurting him, and he gets what he wants.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It could be detrimental to-”

“Bullshit,” she says, cutting me off yet again. “You’re just scared because you think you’ll be inadequate and he’ll be upset with you. Just give it a chance, Kevin. What’s the worst that could happen if you try once?”

“What’s the worst that could…? He could die!”

She quirks a brow. “From sex? Again, hell of a way to go. One time won’t kill him. Do you really think he’d want to do that to you? Do you think he’d risk if he thought he would really die and leave you with all that guilt?”

“Well… no,” I say quietly, because I know Liam wouldn’t do that to me. He thinks it is safe, but I am still uncertain. “I just don’t want to risk it, okay? Can we please talk about something else?”

“You’re the one that brought it up.”

“Yeah, well, now I’m asking for a subject change.”

She shrugs and our food arrives, thankfully ending the conversation.

I know she has a point. I know Liam wants this.

But I just can’t risk it.

I can’t risk him.

xXx

“Happy Birthday, baby.”

Liam grinned as he kicked the door shut behind him. I shove my textbooks off the couch – second semester is rough and challenging right now but is half over – and pat the empty spot next to me. He sits and kicks off his shoes, sighing happily.

I offered to pick him up since it’s getting pretty chilly out, but he declined and told me to go ahead and get comfy and do my schoolwork. I hate that he won’t let me help him as much as I want to, but arguing with him gets tiresome. It’s only eight blocks, but it’s getting fairly cold out and he has a crappy immune system.

“Medicine,” I tell him.

He scowls. “Do I have to?”

He sounds like a little kid, whining.

I smirk. “Yes. You still check me for injuries, don’t you?”

He checks me for injuries roughly every three days. He used to do it every day but finally backed off when it got tiresome. He still insists on checking me over for a very _thorough_ investigation whenever he can, though. I can’t feel it when I get hurt, and it led to a hospital visit not that long ago.

“Fine,” he sighs. “I’ll take some medicine after we eat. What are we ordering?”

I grin and get to my feet, holding my hand out for him. “Join me, good sir.”

He laughs and takes my hand, and I haul him to his feet. We enter the kitchen and the table is set and ready with two plates of food. It’s nothing fancy, just cheeseburgers and fries, but I’m not a very good cook and I didn’t think takeout was appropriate tonight, and I didn’t want him to have to cook after work on his birthday, so I did what I could.

It’s not a healthy meal, but he keeps track of his diet for the most part, adjusting his meds accordingly. He can splurge every now and then.

“You’re so sweet,” he says, kissing my cheek before he sits at the table. I smile and sit opposite him. “Thank you, love.”

“Happy birthday,” I say again.

We eat in relative silence for a while, but it’s fine because it’s comfortable. He seems to like his food, and I relax a little more in my chair.

After dinner, though, he looks at me across the table. “I still want us to have sex sometime, Kevin.”

I look away, leaning back stiffly in my chair. “Liam… please…”

“I don’t want to let this ruin my life any more than it already has.”

I know that. I truly do, but I just can’t…

“It’s too risky,” I tell him.

“ _Life_ is risky,” he says. “At least this is something we both want. You… You _do_ want it, right?”

“Of course I do,” I say, looking at him. “But it’s too risky. It’s not worth it.”

“Now worth it?” he echoes, frowning at me. “It’s living our lives, Kevin. It _is_ worth it.”

I shake my head. “Not to me.”

“Why not?”

“Do you really have to ask that? I love you. I’d rather have you than sex. I’m not risking it.”

“Kevin…”

“No, Liam. I’m sorry if that upsets you, and I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, but it’s too risky. We’re fine how we are, right?”

“Well, yeah, love, but-”

“Then we’re fine. Please, Liam… I can’t.”

“You won’t… You won’t touch me anymore.”

I swallow, but he is right. He is absolutely right. Ever since my birthday, I haven’t touched him sexually. He’s asked me, but I’ve made up excuses – I’m tired, I’m studying, I can’t right now – and the days keep adding up.

I know he is frustrated.

“Liam…”

“I’m not going to break, Kevin.”

“I know…”

“So can you just…”

“I’m sorry,” I say, closing my eyes, bowing my head apologetically. “I’m so sorry, Liam, I can’t. Please.”

He releases an irritated huff. “Then why are we even doing this?”

“What?” I ask, opening my eyes, frowning at him. He looks angry.

“ _This_ ,” he says, gesturing between the two of us. “If you’re never going to touch me or do anything with me, _why are we doing this_?”

I stare at him, unable to answer for a long, long moment. I can’t find the words, I can’t find my voice, I can’t find anything to say except, “It was never about sex to me, Liam.”

And this is absolutely true. I entered this relationship without any thoughts of sex. I just love him; I don’t need sex. I don’t need sexual stimulation. I don’t need it. I didn’t enter this relationship with that in mind. It’s never been about sex for me.

He slumps in his chair, sighing. “I know, Kevin. It’s not about it for me, either, but you rarely touch me anymore, _at all_. I know I have… I know I have HLHS, but don’t treat me like I’m glass, please. I got enough of that my whole life, I don’t need you doing it too.”

“I… I know, I’m sorry, I just… I worry because I love you. Can you understand?”

“I do understand. I know how you feel. I just… I’m always going to be sick, Kevin.” His voice is quiet, subdued, as he watches me carefully narrowed eyes. “I’m always going to have HLHS. Are you just going to avoid touching me or doing anything with me for as long as we’re together?”

“Liam…”

I don’t want to talk about this. I really don’t.

“What do you want out of this relationship?”

 _You_ , I want to shout. _I just want you._

But I say nothing.

“Kevin, please, just…”

I swallow thickly and shake my head. “I can’t, Liam, I can’t be sexual with you if it’s a risk to you. Please, just… Please stop asking me.”

He’s quiet for a long moment, before he sighs heavily and nods, slumping in his seat as he averts his gaze.

“Yeah,” he murmurs, “okay, Kevin.”

We both know it’s not the end of it, but at least for tonight, the subject is over.

My answer will never change, no matter how much he asks.

It can’t change.

Too risky.

xXx

New Year’s.

Our anniversary.

We check into the hotel around midday and spend the day relaxing around the pool, ordering room service, and enjoying the Jacuzzi. It is wonderful, just like last year. We spent Christmas this year at my sister’s while Liam’s sister was unable to make it here this year due to circumstances at work, but they spoke over the phone and exchanged gifts through the mail.

Liam is being distant, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know he is still upset about our lack of sexual contact in any way – I won’t even let him touch me anymore, because then I feel too eager to reciprocate and I just can’t – but I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know how to fix this. He wants more from me but I just can’t do it, and not even for the reasons I would have originally thought.

I’m not being celibate for _me_ anyway, but for _him_. Not because of my condition, but because of his. Because his condition is so much more important than mine. If it was just my condition I had to worry about, I would be okay with this. I would be okay with sex because it would make him happy, and that’s really all that matters to me. I might not be able to feel everything but I could listen to his sounds and see his face and watch the pleasure roll over him, and that’s orgasmic in its own way.

But no, it’s his condition that worries me.

Sexual stimulation is strenuous on the heart. It’s exhausting. The pulse races, skips beats, leaves you utterly exhausted like you ran a marathon, and he’s already – fragile. He gets tired very easily though he always denies it. I know how tired he gets sometimes from just walking home from work. I can’t imagine how hard it would be if we had sex.

And I just can’t risk it. I can’t.

He said he understood, but I doubt it.

I don’t think he understands how risky it is for him. I want to give him what he wants but I can’t do it.

We settle into bed late that night. We have the hotel room for two days, like last time, so we can relax and not worry about anything. We’ve both been looking forward to this and both of us are off work and everything. It’s great. We haven’t really spent much time together since his birthday besides sleeping next to each other and occasionally watching some movies together.

Otherwise, I’m doing schoolwork and he’s working. He’s working more now. I don’t like it, but I can’t stop him. So when he gets home he’s tired, and I have homework, and it’s just been very difficult to spend time together lately. I am grateful to be off school for winter break. We don’t go back until January 15th which starts my third semester. I’m excited but also wary because I’m already losing a lot of personal time with Liam and he won’t be around forever.

I close my eyes.

_He won’t be around forever._

His life is destined to be short no matter what. No matter how careful we are, what we do or don’t do, he will die young. We both know this. I should therefore be spending all of my time with him and not be worrying about school and work. They won’t matter if he’s not here. I’m doing this for _him_ , after all. I went back to school because he wanted me to, because he convinced me and said he would start drawing again if I did. He’s getting really good at drawing; I have a few of his sketches in our closet at home. I want to hang them up because I am proud of him, and they truly do look good, but he won’t let me.

Liam stills next to me, drifting off to sleep. I wait a few minutes before shifting enough to put my head on his chest.

I fall asleep listening to his wonderful heartbeat.

xXx

I wake disorientated. My mind is fuzzy, like I’m rising through a thick fog. I go from completely asleep to immediately awake with my heart racing and I’m not sure why. I go to move but then realize I can’t.

My hands are stuck somewhere above my head. I’m lying down on my back. I open my eyes and look toward the headboard and realize my wrists are cuffed to it with fuzzy handcuffs. Fuzzy, soft handcuffs but cuffs nevertheless. I look down the length of my body and there’s Liam, carefully bobbing his head, lips sliding up and down my shaft which is so incredibly hard. I can see it red and pulsing as he moves, and my pulse races all the more.

This is what woke me.

Liam’s mouth on me.

I can’t feel it, but it woke me.

“Liam,” I croak, attempting to free my hands, but it is useless. “What are you doing? What’s this? What’s going on?”

His beautiful mouth slips away from my shaft and he smiles at me, green eyes aglow. “I wanted to do something for you, love. And now you can’t stop me.”

I shift uneasily. My feet are free but that doesn’t do me much good – I can’t go anywhere with my hands like this. I am naked as well. I am a deep sleeper sometimes, especially when my head is on his chest because it is oddly soothing, but this is ridiculous. How did he manage to unclothe me and cuff my wrists without me knowing?

“Let me go,” I tell him.

“Hmm… nah, I think I’ll keep you like this. You’re too cute like this.”

“Liam – I don’t want to have sex.”

His expression falters but then he smiles again. “We’re not having sex.”

I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Oh?”

Well, at least he’s not going to – what? Have his wicked way with me while I can’t stop him? I pull at the cuffs again but of course nothing has changed. My pulse is racing again but it has no real reason to because Liam isn’t even working me over anymore. He’s just sitting there between my legs, not even touching me.

“I know you don’t want to have sex, Kevin. I won’t force it on you,” he says, sounding hurt that I would think such a thing, and guilt rolls over me. “But if you’re not going to let us have sex, or even… touch me or anything, then at least let me take care of you.”

“W-What do you mean?”

“It’s more mental with you, remember? Since you can’t feel it.” He smiles. “Well, now you’re trapped. How’s your mind feel about that?”

“I kinda wanna be let go.”

“Only kinda?”

I hesitate, wondering why I chose that particular wording. “I don’t know.”

“I think a part of you likes this. You’re so worried about not being able to feel something that you don’t let yourself ever lose control. You’re always afraid of hurting me, or not being good enough because of your condition. Well, stop it.”

“Liam…”

“Now you’re trapped and I won’t even touch you sexually if that’s what you want, but we are going to play a mind game.”

“A mind game?” I whisper, and my tongue is suddenly thick in my mouth. It is hard to speak and my pulse races.

He grins, a predator eying its prey. “You don’t have to feel anything I do, really – other than the usual pressure you say you feel. But I’m told it can be freeing to be trapped by a trusted person. You do trust me, right?”

“Of course I do,” I say quietly, watching him. He seems so sure of himself, and I have to admit, I don’t actually feel like moving anyway. I don’t really feel like getting away. This is – odd, for me.

“We’ll try it once and if it doesn’t work we’ll never speak of it again and we can go back to being celibate, if that’s what you want.”

I take in a slow breath, watching him. He looks so perfect like that – naked from the waist up, his sweatpants hanging low on his hips, his mouth still wet from where he- “Okay,” I breathe quietly, staring at him, hands twitching, attempting to twist free. “As long as you promise you won’t-”

He rolls his eyes. “I won’t do anything _strenuous_ , don’t worry.”

I nod, trusting him. I have to trust him. I don’t really have a choice here.

He is right; that is oddly freeing.

I have no control over what happens next. He is in charge – not me. I don’t have to feel anything. I don’t know what he has planned. All I know is there’s no way of getting free until he decides to release me.

“I have to ask – what are you okay with?”

“What do you mean?”

His face reddens slightly. It is adorable. He doesn’t blush often. “Well – I mean, are you okay with toys?”

“Toys…?”

“Sex toys, Kevin. Since you won’t let _me_ do anything.”

I swallow thickly. There is a lump in my throat that doesn’t seem to want to go away. “S-Sure,” I manage to say.

I have never done anything like this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, or do, or anything. I don’t ask how he knows about this; I don’t ask if he’s done it before. I just trust him.

This isn’t going to be anything strenuous on him, and I trust him. If he wants to use toys on me so he doesn’t have to exhaust himself, that is perfectly fine. We both get what we want.

I get to see him make faces without putting him at risk, and he gets to try to make me feel and ‘take care of me’, as he keeps putting it.

It’s a win-win.

I just hope it works. I want to say I’ll feel what he does. I want to say this is perfect and great and wonderful but the truth is I just don’t know. I don’t know if I will like this, if it is as ‘freeing’ as he says it is, or if it will even work on me since I can’t really feel anything.

Nevertheless I am willing to try.

I trust Liam.

If he says this might help me, and it’s not going to be strenuous on him, then I believe him.

He crawls up the length of my body, random pressure along my stomach, before a cloth covers my eyes. I swallow thickly because if I can’t see what he’s doing, how am I supposed to feel anything?

“Liam-”

“Trust me, love,” he says, kissing my mouth as he ties the blindfold into place. I squirm a little, attempting to reach the knot with my hands but they won’t reach down far enough. “Bend your legs.”

I pull my legs up enough that they are bent at the knee, my feet flat on the bed. He pushes them backward and then my ankles are tied to my thighs, keeping them firmly bent and leaving me unable to move very much.

“Trust me,” he says again.

“I trust you,” I say quietly, taking in a slow breath even as I squirm a little against the new bonds. I’m in a world of darkness because of the blindfold and I can’t move very much at all because of the leg restraints leaving me no leverage to move, and my hands are being held hostage at the moment.

I am at his mercy.

There’s this odd thrill that creeps through my spine.

I can feel it.

Because it’s not physical – it is entirely mental, and it is telling me that I am not in control here.

And…

I think I _like_ it.

At least a part of me likes it, anyway.

“What are you okay with?” he asks again, from somewhere near my bent knees.

“Um… w-what do you mean?”

“Well, how far do you want to go? This is all up to you, Kevin. I’m not going to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“How do you even… _know_ how to do any of this…”

“I was adventurous in my youth,” he says, obvious smirk in his voice and I wish I could see his face. I wish I could see his mouth.

“You’re only twenty-five,” I tell him, hating how breathless I sound.

“Still, I had a friend who taught me. It was… interesting.”

“You let him…?”

“Tie me up? Yes. He wanted to try, and I said okay. I mean – I thought I was going to die soon, so why not live a little?”

“Liam…”

“Anyway – I remember how freeing it was, and I know your thing is more mental. So I thought this might work. But I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do. What are you okay with?”

“I don’t even know what you mean…”

“I was thinking some sensory deprivation – blocking your senses so to speak. It makes everything else more heightened, and since I’m trying to get you to feel…”

I nod slowly. “O-Okay, do that.”

“All of it?”

“Whatever you want,” I tell him. “I trust you. Just…”

Fuck, I want him to _do something_ , but I don’t even know what. All I know is my pulse is still racing and I just want him to… _something_.

“Alright, love. We’ll start slow. Open your mouth.”

I open my mouth, expecting a kiss, a tongue entering to mingle with my own, but instead a gag of sorts is pushed inside and strapped tight around my head, leaving me gasping and mumbling into it but it just comes out all muffled.

“Sorry, love,” he says, kissing my nose. “You told me to do all of it. If you want me to stop at any time, just knock on the wall three times. I’ll release you, no questions asked, and we won’t ever speak of it again.”

I nod. I can do this. I’m fine.

I’m just not used to not being able to talk, but I’m okay.

The gag isn’t too uncomfortable; it’s not even that tight really. I could probably push it out if I tried really hard, but I don’t try to escape because it is… truly freeing to let Liam take charge like this. I don’t have to do anything except let him do whatever he wants. I don’t have to do anything except let him take care of me.

There’s random spots of pressure along my stomach, then on my thighs, then on my sides… it is random and everywhere all at once. I shift involuntarily, attempting to scoot away or closer, I don’t know. I barely move at all.

“I wish you could see yourself like this, Kevin,” Liam says from somewhere near my legs. “You look beautiful.”

I mumble something, feeling I need to say something but it’s muffled so there’s really no point.

I wish I could see him.

Fuck, I want to touch him.

I want to hold him.

I can’t.

My pulse races even more now. There’s pressure around my cock and I know he’s doing something to it, probably with that wonderful mouth of his, and I can’t do anything. I can’t even see how perfect he looks when he does it. I can’t move my legs or anything. I am trapped and he is in charge, and he must be doing something wonderful because my body twists involuntarily. My body feels him even when I don’t.

I’m almost – _envious_ , of my body. Why does it get to feel everything but I can’t? It’s not fair.

My hips buck suddenly – it is an odd movement to say the least, especially because I didn’t know it was coming. I was fine, and then I was writhing suddenly, and my pulse is racing so fast right now-

“Perfect,” Liam breathes quietly. “I don’t know if you can feel it, love, but you just came.”

Of course I did.

I want to tell him I felt _something_ , because on the periphery of my thoughts I think I did feel a little something, even if it was mostly mental. Even if I only _thought_ I felt something, it was something more than I felt before. That’s all that matters. I want to say thank you, I want to ask him for more, I want to hold him and kiss him and show him how much I love him-

I can do nothing.

“I’m gonna do the last step for the senses, love. Trust me.”

I nod my head that I do.

“Don’t forget what I said about knocking on the wall. Three times in a row and I’ll stop.”

I nod again.

I almost flinch in surprise when he’s suddenly at my head, fingers probing my ears. When the fingers move away my sense of hearing is muted. I can’t hear anything except the blood pulsing through my veins as my heartrate slowly starts to drop after the adrenaline which shot through me when I came.

I can’t hear Liam anymore.

I miss his voice already.

I want to kiss him. I want…

I can’t.

My hands twist in the cuffs. He’s doing something down below – there’s pressure around my ass. At this angle, with my legs like this and me on my back, I am sure my hole is mostly on display.

There’s pressure around it. I feel something moving. Something cold.

I’ve never bottomed before.

 _Never_.

But I feel it when something enters me. Something long and hard and cold and I can’t stop the sound that escapes me. It doesn’t hurt – of course it doesn’t because I can’t feel pain – but I feel _something_ and it is so _freeing_ to be able to feel anything right now, like this, and-

Liam kisses my nose. I can feel his lips moving and I know he’s saying something but I can’t hear him. I can’t hear him, I can’t see him, I can’t touch him and I can’t talk to him.

I want to so badly.

There’s nothing for a long time.

Whatever it is that’s inside of me is still there – heavy, pressing against the sides of my hole, stretching muscle – but it’s not moving. Nothing is moving. There’s no new pressure anywhere. There’s no movement on the bed.

Is Liam still here?

Am I alone?

Did something happen?

I don’t know how long I lay there unable to see, hear, move or speak, but I feel like it’s been too long. Is Liam okay?

Where is he?

I struggle.

I writhe.

Anything to break free but I can’t.

I’m about to knock on the wall – anything to see if he’s still with me or not – when-

“Oh, fuck,” I say into the gag and it’s muffled and muted but I say it nevertheless, my body automatically arching into a touch I actually felt. No with pleasure or pain, but it’s almost a feather-light touch that I feel. It’s not pressure, it’s not pleasure or pain, but it’s _something_ and I can feel it moving along my stomach. Hands run along my stomach, chest, and back down toward my hips. I can feel every single thing.

Everything else is muted; my skin is hyperaware right now. That’s the only thing I can think of that makes sense as to why I can feel it. It is a survival instinct for my body. With the other senses muted, all I have is my sense of smell and my sense of touch.

And Liam is touching me _everywhere_.

The thing inside of me is moving again.

I can feel every little twist even if it’s not pleasure or pain. It’s _something_ and it’s so fast and-

There’s a burst of color behind my eyes – white, hot, and I’m floating.

I’m floating.

 _Floating_.

Everything is bliss. The gag is removed, and Liam’s mouth is hot and wet against mine and when I kiss him I taste myself on his lips. I moan into his perfect open mouth and yearn to touch him. I just want to hold him. Please.

I want to see him.

“Liam,” I breathe against his pliable lips. My voice sounds so strange due to the earplugs. “Liam, please.”

He laps at the moisture along my mouth – probably sweat. I’m sweating. Or, at least, I was. Now I’m kind of cold.

I am sweaty but the air in the room is chilly against the moisture of my body.

The earplugs are removed.

Sound rushes back in. I can hear Liam right next to my ear.

“You were perfect, love,” he all but _purrs_ , and that is such a lovely sound I release another moan, a breathy sigh escaping my throat. “So, so perfect. Did you feel anything, Kevin?”

“Yes,” I choke, and I want to cry.

I want to cry so much because _yes_ , I finally _felt something_.

The blindfold slips away. Liam looks down at me with this perfect smile and this warm glow in his bright green eyes, and his thumb reaches toward my face.

“Why are you crying, love?”

“I felt it,” I tell him breathlessly, tugging at the cuffs. “I felt it. I felt it. Thank you. Please, let me touch you – I wanna – I need to hold you – please – baby, please-”

He kisses me silent as his hands slip over my head, toward the headrest. A second later my hands are free and I’m wrapping my arms around him, crushing him to me as the kiss deepens and his tongue enters my mouth.

“I love you,” I tell him as we part, but I still hold him to me, “I love you so much. Thank you. That was wonderful.”

“So you liked it?”

“Yes, Liam. I liked it.”

His expression is so light and happy – so _joyous_ , I can’t help but laugh. He slides down the length of my body and I let him go because I can’t stop him. It’s too hard to sit up with my legs like this. He releases my legs and I move to sit up but he pushes me back down.

“Easy, love,” he says warmly, “I know you can’t feel it but your muscles are gonna be a little stiff. Just rest for now, darling.”

“D-Darling?”

“Too much?”

“N-No. I like it.”

I like whatever he decides to call me. Love, Kevin, Darling… anything.

“I love you,” I tell him as he works out whatever kinks might be in my legs. I feel the pressure of him massaging my skin and I want to cry. “I can’t… it’s fading. I can’t feel…”

I want to hold onto that feeling a little longer. I want to _feel_ … please…

“I know, darling,” he says. “It’s okay. We’ll do it again sometime. Just relax right now; let me take care of you.”

I swallow and close my eyes.

This anniversary has been perfect.

And I love this guy so much.

So, so much.

He is perfect.

This is perfect.

He makes me _feel_.

And feeling is…

 _Perfect_.

 


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